April 19, 2017: Vodka Orgasms & a Spade

I hate it when you shut down on me like that. 

I hate that I let you in where you did not belong

I hate it because I’m the reason you do.

I know now there was no reason.

You repeatedly talk about how much you don’t like talking about
feelings, and sad things.

You repeatedly called, texted. After we broke up. After you raped me. 

Neither do I. That’s why I write.

I still write; to rid myself of you.

You think you’re the one who’s afraid of scaring me away?

I know. I was scared of walking away from you.

I’m terrified you’re the one who’s going to get fed up with
me and just walk out. 

You made my dim world pitch black. I walked in the light.

Nick, I am so completely in love with you.

I was so disgusted of you. I fell for something in you
I was too afraid to come back from. 

 I’m scared I’m just going to fuck it all up, because that is what I seem to
be best at. Fucking shit up. 

I am at peace knowing that you fucked up your own life. 

I know you’re not going to read this anytime soon.

You never cared about me or my poetry.

  I’m not about to show you how much I truly love you until
I know you won’t just leave and never come back. 

Did it hurt you when I left?

I bet I never once told you that I had gotten so used to the fact
that I’d be on my own, that I’m still, even now, having to
relearn what it’s like to be part of something with someone, 
having to constantly remind myself that I’m not alone. 

I fell in love with a man who shows me every day that I am
a woman who deserves love were I am never alone.

 I’m not used to having someone as
wonderful as you in my life. 

You were never wonderful. You were only my torture.

You’re not the only one who doesn’t care to open up.

You cemented the thought of carelessness within me. 

 I appreciate you and all you do for me.

I appreciate my family for helping me when I chose to help myself.

What hurts me most of all, is I believe you’re “the one.”

You were the one that I threw away. 

And knowing that every single day,
Kills me a little more. 

Knowing that part of my life;
makes me grateful for the present. 

Amanda Hansen

Amanda B Hansen is a writer & poet who currently resides in Omaha, NE. 
She is a recent graduate of the University of Nebraska at Omaha. She holds a Bachelor's in General Studies. Her certifications include English, Music, & Creative Writing. 

Amanda currently splits her time being a full-time Customer Service Adviser at her local Walgreen's, and being an Editor/Social Media/Writing Contributor for Fine Lines Journal in Omaha.