Feeling Lonely when You are Totally Loved (is a REAL THING)

I can say with 100% honesty that I love my life. I love my amazing boyfriend and all around best friend, I love my parents, I love hanging out with my parents, I love the friends who have stuck by me through thick and thin, through hate and deceit. I love you all.
I don’t deserve you, but I love you.

That’s what this achy feeling is like.

Since about June of 2013, my so-called friends have slowly dying off on me.
My longest best friend, whom I’ve known since kindergarten, slow-faded me. (just learned of this type via an article I read on HelloGiggles) She began by texting me or calling me back saying “Oh, I can’t today, gotta cook for my family,” totally understandable.
Then it turned into no calling, just texts like, “Oh sorry I don’t have the money right now,” again, understandable, except, THIS time, the event was already paid for.
Then it got to where I’d find out that something tragic happened in her family, from strangers I didn’t even know knew her, then nothing in response. Or the worst, “I’m fine, everything’s fine between us, don’t worry.”
Like a knife through the heart. Literally.
She outright ghosted me.

But, trying to see it from her point of view, I ghosted her too.
I hit a low point in my life when I outright gave my virginity away to my other best friend’s lover. I cheated on my boyfriend, practically thought I had truly sabotaged my sisterhood, and felt like I nowhere and no one to turn to.
I became a “party girl” shortly afterwards.
Just on the drinking part. Maybe a little bit of what’s legal in Colorado.
The fact was that was my low point.
The point of no return; I felt I had no choice but to set up camp right there and wait it out for as long as it took until I felt I was worthy of respect again.
Then he came along, he who seemed to care enough to want more than a fling, but only enough to live and mooch off my soul until he drank me dry.
That was my new low.
Only my parents stayed to help me.
My friends drifted, separating themselves further from me; probably forever labeling me as the troubled girl. The one who has issues.
That is what is WRONG with this world.
Anyone who is not NORMAL by your fucking standards is tossed away like yesterday’s trash. Sure, sometimes helping people can turn out bad for those who helped, and I understand that, sometimes strings have to be cut, bridges have to be burned, I GET THAT.  I truly, honestly do.
That is why I don’t take it too personally when I am abandoned.
It’s kind of a norm for me.
I find myself relating to people less and less.
No one really does want to see someone they love at their worst, or even help them from their worst to something better, for fear they might get betrayed.
Does leaving your friend to rot not a form of betrayal?
I’ve done by share of betraying those I love and hold most dear.
The true test of character and worthiness of their trust comes not just from not breaking it, but after breaking it, having the guts and the honesty to come forward and just TELL THE TRUTH.

I don’t quite know if its a form of anxiety of depression, or just that I feel lost, because no one frankly likes to be around those who are in pain and aren’t sure how to rid themselves of it. On my end, my problem is when I come across someone who is the same, they choose the same path: they pretend everything is fine and well, and then they rally in anger because they come back saying no one helped them. You can’t accuse of expect remorse from someone who you never asked or never shared your secret with. That isn’t fair.

My issue? I’m just not sure if its all just in my head, that my friends just got so bored of cause I stopped going out to bars every weekend, I worked the night shift, had to sleep while the sun was up, couldn’t socialize with the rest of society. I wasn’t normal.

Probably made them feel ridiculous to be my friend.
I understand why I’ve been ghosted time and time again in the last 3 years. I’ve changed. I’ve matured since the days when I didn’t have to worry about rent or my car payment. I could spend my money on magazines and movies and weekend trips to the bars to follow afterwards to a party at some random location.
Good, decent memories did come from not so decent decisions.
I’ve had plenty of my fair share.

I want the life I see others my age having.
Marriage, kids, a roof over our heads.
I know what I do have matters and it matters a lot to me.
I just hate that nagging feeling when you think someone doesn’t want the real you.
They want to society-changed you. The fake you.
I like asking questions.
I adhere to arguments in good faith.
If I am cold to you, its only cause you act like you ain’t ever going to thaw out.


Amanda B Hansen

Amanda Hansen

Amanda B Hansen is a writer & poet who currently resides in Omaha, NE. 
She is a recent graduate of the University of Nebraska at Omaha. She holds a Bachelor's in General Studies. Her certifications include English, Music, & Creative Writing. 

Amanda currently splits her time being a full-time Customer Service Adviser at her local Walgreen's, and being an Editor/Social Media/Writing Contributor for Fine Lines Journal in Omaha.