It's been too long since we last spoke, or rather since I spoke and you listen as always. Sometimes I feel bad that I am able to talk and talk to you now, and all you can do is listen. It strangely feels good not to be interrupted. I wish I didn't feel crazy half the time, you know? Like tonight, everything just began to fall apart, and I know it's not anyone's fault, and Greg was just being Greg, but then, in the shower, I started to think about Melanie and Rochelle, and I just cracked. I began crying uncontrollably. TBH I hate it.
I know that Melanie and I will never be the best of friends anymore, I mean, apparently not since I "stole" Greg away from her. It pains me to know that for all those years, way before we ever dated, she had a thing for Greg and never said a word. I had a thing for him for a few months, but at that time I was still willing to work things out with my Ex. She knew that.
Rochelle. I do believe, sometime, in the future, we could be the best of friends like we used to a long time ago. I know I hurt her. Hell, you hurt me, too. I learned how to be a big sibling from you. As I got older, I knew what I did was wrong, but it was too late. I now understand, possibly, how you felt all those years ago when I was only 16. You reached out, and I am so glad you did. Funny thing is, I don't know if I am as strong as you were.
It killed me when Rochelle asked if she could "stay" with me at my apartment back when she first transferred to a different collage, got tattoos, and didn't want to hear any of it from Dad over Winter Break; so I offered for her to stay, to hang out, to bond. NO. That was not what she apparently had in mind. She left her stuff in my living room while she bounced from friend to friend to boyfriend. THAT HURT. That's when I felt that it would take us a lot longer than I thought to even become friends again.
Please, Jerome, tell me. What is wrong with me? There HAS to be something. I know I can be very forgetful and loose track of time, especially, but it just always seems to feel like whenever I try to make plans, stay in touch, it begins to feel one-sided. I know that this is by far not true in all cases, just that I don't seem to have as many friends anymore.
It feels like as soon as I stopped, momentarily, asking friends to hang out; they STOPPED all together; making me feel like they were just simply putting on an act, until they felt I finally got tired, so they didn't have to feel bad about not wanting to be my friend anymore.
I'm just not so sure I really want to be apart of someone's life when it's clear they want no part in mine.
Did I tell you, that Sarah and I were hanging out more? Well, we were. I would have gotten in touch to see about spending Wednesday down there with them, however, I needed to go in for some needed Overtime so my paycheck didn't suffer. I'm thinking about seeing if she would like me to go down this coming Wednesday? Assuming I get the rest of my Christmas shopping and cards out in the mail.
Writing does make me feel, not necessarily better, just calm.
Thanks for listening as always, Big Brother.
Stay cool in Heaven.